Homeland Security Response To Ron Paul

by George Gould

Please note: this is a parody.

The following is a statement released by Mr. Reginald B. Pasingas, special assistant to Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security.

"I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Lew Rockwell for giving me this opportunity to respond to the scurrilous attacks made by Representative Ron Paul against the Department of Homeland Security in his utterly futile campaign to become President of the United States.

"Representative Paul, you have repeatedly stated that the Department of Homeland Security is a huge and wasteful bureaucracy, which has done nothing to add to the security of the American people. Congressman you are either blind to reality or you are purposefully misstating the facts.

"Let’s look at the record:

"Have you forgotten the color-coded Terror Alert Chart, Congressman? The American people depend on Homeland Security to keep them informed of the correct level of fear to feel at any given time. It wouldn’t do to have Americans experiencing yellow fear when the appropriate response to conditions is red or orange. None of the independent agencies now under the aegis of Homeland Security had thought of that.

"What about Hurricane Katrina? Had the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) not been under the crack oversight and supervision of Homeland Security, do you think FEMA would have responded with the alacrity and precision it demonstrated after the New Orleans flooded? I think not, Congressman. I think not.

"The border. You never mention the border, Congressman. Is it because you know that after five years under the control of Homeland Security, the border is still there separating the United States from Mexico? And what about the other border between Canada and the United States? Under Homeland Security, neither border has gone anywhere. They are still in the same places they have always been. You can thank Homeland Security for that.

"Now, in one of the greatest leaps forward ever in the field of national security, Secretary Chertoff has unveiled the latest tool in detecting enemy threats against the homeland and the American people.

"For most of recorded history, leaders had to rely on spies. The spies were human. This was human intelligence (HUMINT). In the 20^th Century, we developed the ability to detect their communications. We intercepted their signals. This was signals intelligence (SIGINT).

"On Tuesday, July 10, 2007, Secretary Chertoff unveiled the newest means of detecting the enemy’s plans and threats. He described it as ‘a gut feeling’ about a new level of increased risk. This is an example of gastro-intestinal intelligence (GASINT). Show me one instance before in American history, Congressman, where a cabinet secretary steered a multi-billion dollar organization on the basis of GASINT.

"You can’t do it, Congressman. You know you can’t because Homeland Security just developed GASINT.

"But there’s more. By fortifying the diets of all senior leaders in the executive branch of the Federal Government with copious quantities of hardboiled eggs, beans, broccoli, and beer, we are extending the benefits of GASINT. The terrorists won’t stand a chance. Every move the terrorists make will be captured by GASINT and show up as a ‘gut feeling.’ Again you can thank Homeland Security.

"So, there you have it. Your puny efforts to besmirch the Department of Homeland Security have all gone for naught, Congressman Paul.

"So why don’t you…

"Wait… I’m feeling something… in my gut…

"Ahh, yes, you are a doctor, are you not, Congressman Paul? A medical doctor? I have a gut feeling that our agents are going to want to talk to you. Weren’t those terrorists in England all doctors? Medical doctors? Coincidence, you say? Maybe – maybe not. We’ll see. Just stay where we can find you. I have this gut feeling.

"GASINT really works. You can thank Homeland Security."

July 14, 2007

George Gould [send him mail] is a retired Imperial Storm Trooper and 2nd place finisher in the Southeast Asia War Games. He writes from Valrico, Florida and Falls Church, Virginia.